the confusion sets in.

there was a death in the family today. he lived in india, and i grew particularly close to him during my stay. the death was sudden, and a combination of poor health and poor healthcare. when i first heard how serious the situation was, no one could fully explain anything. and i literally mean anything -- the reasons for his sudden demise, an explanation for the bleak prognosis (<1% of brain function), potential for recovery....

it is so odd; any bioethical question that has been posed to me to date, has been based on the assumption of information. deciding whether or not to take someone off life support is based on a summative picture of information, and despite all my training, reading, "professional experience", i have never come across a situation lacking such vital information. and as shocking as the death was, it was perhaps more shocking because some of us invested a lot of energy in ensuring he would survive. he even opened his eyes! there was talk of coming off the ventilator within a week!

and then i hear about 72 hours straight of no dialysis, for a critical patient in ICU with renal failure.... who clearly required constant dialysis. and when the details, however few and far between, are finally flushed out, it is extremely difficult to feel anything but angry. if he had received the care he needed, the care any human deserves, this would not have happened.

i have been bouncing between shock, blind anger and heartbreaking sadness. but for the most part, i am on Dead Inside. so much for moving past that "emotion" :)

the power of distraction is a fantastic coping mechanism, and it was my best friend today. my other weapon of choice -- intense overanalysis -- has also come out full force. there was a family emergency recently; nothing to be concerned about! everything turned out a-okay. but it reminded me of that overused cliche about living each day as though it were our last, blah blah blah. amidst all of my career aspirations to be abroad, it had never crossed my mind that if today were my last, i would want to be RIGHT HERE. surrounded by my loved ones, my immediate family, my nearest and dearest. and no career aspirations are worth that kind of sacrifice. and yes, the family emergency turned out to have a happy ending... but what if it hadn't? it would have changed my world drastically. how does one embrace that possibility in her life plans without living in fear of it? such a fine line. but it was the first time that i had even considered that i might actually want to be here NOW. not a few years from now, not after i complete X, Y and Z.... but now.

and yet, the death today is a clear indicator that my time in india was well spent, and as heartbreaking as it is to admit, was also well timed -- had i gone even 6 months later, i wouldn't have gotten the quality time with him that i was so lucky to get. so my immediate family, many loved ones and my entire All-Star team are here in North America.... and nearly my entire extended family is abroad. and time spent cultivating my relationships here is time not spent cultivating my relationships abroad.

i have never seen this situation so cloudily before. it was always pretty clear: move abroad. when the cancer hit, it became even more clear: no, seriously... enough of the schooling, just move abroad. and now, for the first time, my head and heart are both in a constant state of confusion, BOTH giving me diametrically opposing advice. add to that the protection of my own health, an economic recession that makes jobhunting feel like pulling teeth without anesthesia, and i am utterly confused.

last summer, i was so incapable of planning for the future that i was hellbent on enjoying the present. and oh boy, did i! so much so that i was ignoring all potential consequences at any given moment. it was the birth of the Dark Secrets to My Soul era, and a rather self-destructive way to live life; i was in a place that i hope i never find myself in again. and now, in an effort to swing the pendulum a little closer to normalcy, i have found myself consumed by the details of every.single.decision -- is this what i really want? no, is it what i REALLY want? okay, but seriously, do i want it? and that train of thought lends itself to a different kind of self-destruction, one that is so critical of priorities that it, too, is rooted in fear of the future.

it is almost ironic, actually. i have been so obsessed with choosing my path in a way that i will enjoy each step of life, that while ensuring i do so, i am not sure how much i'm enjoying life!