arches in the blogosphere

Happy One Yeariversary to me!

2010-03-04T06:08:00.003-05:00

i landed in b'lore on this day last year. isn't that craaazy?! crazy. i'll cut to the chase and tell you right now i'm not moving back just yet. and no, i'm not quite sure when just yet either :) i still have some things to do and places to go before i can rest easy moving home! however, since i've done such a tremendous job of blogging and keeping in touch with you folks back home (note the sarcasm), i thought i'd fill you in on some cole's notes of how the year went. let's turn to the list format for its efficiency, shall we?

my first full year in India has included:

* travels. a lot of travels. in Karnataka, i visited Kolar, Chikaballapur, Tumkur, Ramnagar, Mandya, Mysore, Hassan, Kodagu/Koorg, Dakshin Kannad, Udupi, Uttar Kannad, Dharwad, Belgaum, Bagalkote, Bijapur and Gulbarga. suffice it to say that, combined with my travels last year from Delhi, Karnataka has been roamed far and wide. beyond Karnataka, i visited Mumbai, Delhi and Chennai repeatedly. i did a trekking adventure that took me through Manali, Leh and Ladakh by car and foot, and Nubra Valley on 2-humped camels. i had a FABULOUS birthday weekend in Goa. i saw most of the North during the Delhi stint... i only have a few checkmarks left before i complete the entire list of places i wanted to see before i leave india! HOORAY :)

* moves. a lot of moves. i lived with my grandparents for two months, and learned plenty of stories about my family i had yet to hear... and also fully acknowledged that i have been living under my own rules for the last decade. what a combination :) i lived in an extremely Muslim neighbourhood for four months, and as a foreign Hindu felt more comfortable than i do in many other parts of town. go figure. and then came to nest in what we affectionately call "the frat house". which as much as we mock it, is a comfort to come home to, after both a rough day and an exciting cheery one, and really, truly, feels like home.

* accidents. a lot of accidents. i had a car accident. i had an auto accident. i limped for a month from toe damage through my treks in the Himalayas. i have been limping for two months (and counting!) from my auto flipping. i'm fairly convinced the 8 yr old boys in my building who call me "Auntie" think the 18 yr-old (their guess, not mine) Auntie from upstairs permanently walks with a limp and concocts wild stories to keep them entertained from time to time.

* adventures. sometimes it feels like everything about India is an adventure! i had goondas come after me (don't worry, crisis averted). i had men try and break into my hotel one night in a village (again fear not, all is well and safe :)). i am still learning when it is better to get the White Girl Special (i know i'm not white. but some people around here seem to see things otherwise) and when it is better to get the NRI Special (it can work in our favour. it can also stir up resentment for what feels like no reason). most days at this point, i barely notice. on particularly short-tempered days, i wonder what would REALLY happen if, just for kicks, i pushed those laughing men swerving towards me with their motorbike. you know, just for kicks.

* languages. a ridiculous amount of languages! i somehow picked up Kannada through work, but still struggle to make complete sentences beyond small talk. i strengthened the Hindi i picked up in Delhi. my Konkani goes from proficient to strong depending on just how much time i spend with my grandparents :) and it turns out if you understand those 3 languages, Marathi is a breeze! it always sounded mostly like Konkani to me, but now it sounds like a complete mix of the 3. i suspect things will either plateau or keep strengthening from here, but if i come home with what i have already learned, i will be a happy bunny :)

* lifechanging experiences. though this is true for many parts of my life here, i mostly mean through work. i played with a LOT of children affected or infected with HIV. it's such a cliche thing to share, and so i tend not to. but every time feels like a lifechanging moment. no, seriously. i befriended sexworkers, who taught me some basic phrases in Kannada amidst telling me their current rates. i spent plenty of time with MSM-Ts (males who have sex with males, and transgenders), or hijras as some of them are called... and whom i spent most of my adolescence fearing based on the baseless rumours i heard about them, and whom i now view as some of the most persecuted people in the nation. i visited my first brothel. insert shudder here. i interacted with countless PLHIVs (people living with HIV), who told story after story that could be both heartbreaking AND inspiring with how big a difference attitude and perspective makes. i know i know, super World Vision commercial right? this is why i don't tell these stories! just know that they have impacted me. i have written many of the special days down in a journal to look back on in years to come. and they both offer perspective in just how darn lucky we all are despite our "hardships" and also eternal challenge in how to change even some of their lives for the better. and for only $1 a day, you TOO could make a difference... /end commercial.

*events! we had a Hallowe'en party. we threw a Santa pub crawl through one of the busiest parts of the city. and we're about to throw a St. Patty's day affair - holllller! one of the goals of life in Bangalore was definitely to treat it as more permanent than the last few cities have been, and the social scene, nightlife (or creation thereof ;)) and events have definitely helped this one out. much to my mama's dismay, these are all things i would be doing if i were in North America :) they also feel a little like a hug during the more homesick times. did i mention that i haven't been home during this year?...

* local festivities. it's been important to me to keep up with some parts of the North American puzzle (including the OLYMPICS!!), but we've gotten down and dirty with some of the local fun too. Diwali comes to mind almost immediately (check out our weekend in Chennai through Kavi's words). Playing Holi was equally ridiculous (i'll share the snaps soon!). if you can manage to put safety precautions out of your mind, Indian festivities are a real hoot. stop wincing, i mean it :)

* FOOD. food food food food food. i should probably give up the phrase "best meal i've had in india yet" on account of overuse. i should probably also warn y'all that i'm about to roll myself home this summer a different shape and weight than i have EVER been! oopsy. doesn't all that delicious grub make it almost seem worth it though? :)

* visitors! i cannot believe how lucky i was with the clientele up in here the first year. we had visits from my sister (twice!), my mama (twice!), my aunt and uncle, my dad, johnny, kartik, michi (!!!), nev and pri, mizzo and sara, sachin, biggest, sunch, raj... and those are just the ones _i_ met up with! the rest of you all-stars better make a showing in 2010, or i. will. cut. you. you know who you are :)

* family time. sooo much family time! not as much as i'd like, still. but far far FAR more than i've gotten in the last decade. one of my closest friends here is a cousin who i hadn't met until 2008! it blows my mind to think we barely knew each other's names such a short time ago. i am definitely closer with parts of my extended family than others... and the close parts have only gotten closer. they have gone through a lot of the ups and downs with me, which both feels unfair and is also comforting. i'm still acutely aware -- daily, in fact -- that my immediate family is VERY. FAR. AWAY. but the extended family, who we've grown up seeing in 2-3 year intervals, have become a part of my life much more casually now, and i'm sure it would not have happened without this last year.

* kindred spirits. have y'all seen the movie Anne of Green Gables? you really should. it's a Canadian classic. Anne refers to "kindred spirits", the kind of people that transcend generic labels like "friend" or "bosom buddy" (her words, not mine!) with just how fantastic they are. i have definitely met people who will be a part of my life beyond India, and who make my life here infinitely cheerier and more REAL. it is extremely easy in this environment to make casual, situational friendships. it is significantly harder to create the kind that exist not because of this environment, but despite it. i did not anticipate adding folks to my list of "unconditional love" folk, and lo and behold! who knew :)

there you have it!! my life in listform. okay okay, it's missing a few parts. but you get the idea, right?! you could always come visit to see the rest. orrrrr i could do a better job of blogging. ORRRR i could leave my computer and go out and celebrate my yeariversary!

done and done.

the balance beam.

2010-01-17T08:48:00.004-05:00

i have been thinking a fair bit about how to achieve more balance in my life. it seems to be more and more relevant in recent years, not just for me but also for the people around me. i think it might be one of the bigger challenges for folks at my stage of life, world 'round.

a lot of people seem to settle into a fairly domesticated routine. routines are comfortable. routines allow us to feel in control of our lives. and the domesticated routines allow for higher productivity. all of these are positive outcomes, and yet the thought of each day being identical to the ones before it, and after it, prevents me from ever truly imposing the most productive routines on my life.

comfort, control and productivity are all things i seek. but i also enjoy interaction with other people more than almost anything else. the domesticated routine almost without fail, limits us most in the social pieces of our pie. while my social pie piece has never been all that small, i have noticed that most folks who have become more domesticated over years have by necessity shrunk down their social pie piece... and mine has actually grown in recent years. the cancer blip was probably a large part of it. being that sick taught me a lot of things, and by far the biggest lesson was that none of the other pieces of the pie will ever matter as much as the people in our lives. we can strive to be productive, domesticated efficiency machines, and to an extent we all should -- but no job, hobbies or activities will ever shape our lives nearly as much as the people in them.

there are few things i enjoy more than real conversation, even if it is hypothesizing for hours about why the world seems to work the way it does. i also love meeting new people, if nothing else but for fresh perspectives. i think i might always need these parts of my life, but i don't want them to always trump the other pieces of my pie.

close to a year in india has also made me acutely aware of how focused on efficiency we are at home. everything is focused on using every minute of our day in the most efficient way possible, and as much as the laissez-faire attitude of india can be frustrating -- especially for folks raised abroad -- it has stopped to make me question WHY we focus on it so much at home. between delhi and bangalore, i was home for 6 months, and i remember even meeting friends for coffee involved scheduling ahead by 6 days, nailing down the exact time, location and other details well in advance. the strict scheduling and focus on intense efficiency spirals out into all parts of our life until we're in a go-go-go mode, and i definitely found it stressful when i returned. i permanently had a feeling of "gotta do X, gotta do Y" and so on even for the most trivial things. with the noticeable exception of the workplace, i have fully adjusted to 100% spontaneity in almost every part of my day in Bangalore. it in many ways makes more sense to me -- when exactly did 'meeting someone for coffee' turn into 'meeting someone for coffee in the most efficient way possible'? and more importantly, why? i resist conforming to what i now view as unnecessary (although it's likely that i'll instantly revert back to the more stressful, efficiency-focused lifestyle at home :)). and i have come to recognize the go-with-the-flow, spontaneous attitude as one of my most favourite approaches to taking on the day.

obviously, it comes down to balance. the ideal outcome would be productive, efficient workdays, evenings filled with activities, and social weekends. i have not yet learned how to switch from one mode to another; when i am most on the productive track, i spend a lot more time in my head and far less time interacting with others. i become far more reclusive than i otherwise am, and in time the productivity doesn't make me feel quite as satiated as solid interaction with others. on the other hand, when i am spending most of my time interacting with others, it becomes the focus of my time and other parts of the pie take a backseat. achieving a routine of balance is by far my biggest current goal, but i am not sure how to create one without repeatedly jumping from one extreme mode to another.

i clearly don't have the answer just yet, nor do i have a conclusion to this post. i think many of us are struggling with the same battles right now, and we're probably all going to reach different conclusions on which size we want to maintain for each piece of our pie. let the struggle continue :)

2010 -- upwards from here :)

2010-01-11T14:28:00.006-05:00

happy new year! gather 'round so i can tell you how my New Year's Eve was...

on my way home from work, i got into an accident in my auto. it would make more sense if i could tell you a car hit us, or there was some sort of collision with another vehicle of sorts. there was nothing of the kind. it would make even MORE sense if i could dismiss the autowalla as a rash crazed lunatic who was weaving unnecessarily through traffic. in reality, he was a very old, sweet man, who let everyone and their moms cut in front of him as he just kept truckin' along at a rather slow pace. i had almost reached my grandparents' house, where my parents and sister were all staying for the holidays amidst some wedding shopping (!), when the auto flipped.

you read that correctly. my auto flipped.

i don't really know how or why, and i certainly had no idea they could actually do that, but as our fairly slow auto chugged along, we were airborne in the middle of a major intersection.

if you've ever been to india, you may have noticed a beautiful public trend in social justice. it can lead to ppl beating the crap out of a burglar or purse-snatcher. i've personally seen it in action twice in relation to traffic accidents, both to horrifying degrees. it also means that if you are part of a freak auto-flipping accident, the kindhearted people around you do what their instincts tell them to: turn the auto rightside up. so sweet! yet as one of two people thrown around inside the auto (the other being the driver), i did not find their gesture sweet. i was far more concerned with where exactly i was going to land once they had it back upright. so i did what any hotheaded spitfire would have done in my position. i yelled and swore like a sailor about what the heck people were doing out there. in english. i happen to live in a city where you can almost entirely get by on english... but even if you couldn't, i'm sure the urgency of my tone would have conveyed my emotions loud and clear :)

the kind social justice public heeded my pleas, and then proceeded to drag both the driver and me out of the auto and across the asphalt. again, a potentially sweet gesture was drowned out by the panic that any neck or back injury was about to become a LOT worse. so once again, i screamed like bloody murder to back off and let me get to the side of the road myself. i'm fairly certain i looked like a madwoman, limping and pointing my finger at anyone who _still_ insisted on trying to help me. persistent bunch, they were! but i was pretty fired up. and adrenalin certainly does interesting things.

as i waited for my parents to come and collect me from my rather vague and shellshocked directions ("you know that place where you turn and then you're on Richmond Road? that's where i am"), it dawned on me that i was extremely grateful i hadn't lost consciousness. in addition to the numerous health scares it could have created, i also wouldn't have been able to choose my hospital. or how i got to it -- apparently random strangers offering a lift to a nearby hospital is entirely commonplace here. maybe i'm too wary of getting into random cars after living in cities like New York and Delhi, but especially as a woman, i am never ever going to get into a car with strangers!

fast forward through some x-rays, CTs and wound cleanup, and i'm very happy to say that i'm virtually unharmed! sauf a few bumps and bruises and scrapes, and a bum leg that has a gash in it, some tissue damage, and a great deal of difficulty walking :)

almost without fail, people have responded to my accident with comments about how i need to stop getting myself into accidents, how i hurt parts of my body over and over again, and how i seem to have bad luck. and that is certainly one way to look at it -- i was in a car accident at the beginning of september, i hurt my toes trekking in the Himalayas in october, followed by some checkups and scans and typical cancer fare to make sure i'm still in the clear (which i am, hooray!) in november and december, and then this. in the last few months, i sure have made my share of visits to the hospital :)

maybe the craziest part is that it doesn't actually feel like bad luck to me. i actually feel REALLY lucky! my auto flipped, and i have a few weeks of pain at home? if anyone's auto is to flip, as i suspect the statistics predict more often than i've ever previously thought about, their auto should flip like mine did. it is as close to walking away unharmed as the situation can create. so it is a little surprising that the only person who has confirmed my self-acclaimed luck is my cousin-cum-doctor, who has seen much, much worse from patients whose autos have flipped. understandable given my track record, but also hopelessly glass-half-empty about it all. curious.

the accident did not in any way make me feel unlucky. it DID, however, make me really start to question why i choose to live here. the way the folks on the street reacted, as helpful as they were trying to be, scared me. the lack of protocol had i been unconscious, the lack of informed consent before i was given some shots, the lack of explanation for pretty much any medical procedure i've had in the last few months -- the combination was overwhelming. and once it was coupled with the pain from my leg, it was quite a struggle to feel as committed to more time in India as i previously was.

as with all things, i am quick to anger... and quick to forgive. it didn't take long for me to arrive at the same conclusion: i am still not ready to leave India. unfortunate incidents happen everywhere, they just present themselves in different forms. and more importantly, there are things i still need to do here, things i will undoubtedly regret if i move home again before crossing off my list.

and so, because i was on leave from work all of last week to let my leg heal, i had an insane amount of time to carve and edit my Arches Does India list. it started in Delhi, and parts of it have been accomplished. parts of it have been forgotten along the way, and 2010 is about steering back on course.

i'm not going to run you all through my many resolutions; the daily pillars of my life here know about them and can provide some of the accountability that all resolutions seem to require :) the resolutions all fall into one of two categories, though: health, or self-improvement. my 2010 is going to be the Year of Health. my health. i hope one year from now i can say it was the healthiest year i have had yet. my 2010 is going to chip away at the points for self-improvement my environment has been teaching me about. and my 2010 is going to take advantage of the unique parts of spending this year here, and nowhere else, to tackle my resolutions.

like everyone else, i am a work in progress. but i am excited for the work to progress from bangalore. and i am excited to see 2010 move on an upwards trajectory, not just for me but for my nearest and dearest as well!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! thank you for helping shape my 2009, even if it was from afar. let's all make this next one count :)

49% homesick, 51% loving it.

2009-11-11T10:19:00.007-05:00

recently, a friend saw a shirt advertising a 49% / 51% split similar to the one in my subject line; we have been relating it to everything since. a totally random tidbit from my everyday, yes, but also a useful one to try and catch y'all up on my life here (has it really been six months since my last post? woooow). and i hope to keep the updates coming hereonin!

the honest truth of the matter is that i have fallen extremely out of touch. any phone calls and emails i have been sending in the last few months have been focusing on my family, which has been going through some extreme changes as of late. to give you an extremely brief review, since my move to India:
-my sister got engaged, quit her job, started her MBA and therefore restarted life as a student, moved from one coast to the other, to now balance graduate school, planning a wedding, a long distance relationship and life thereafter;
-my mother quit her job of nearly 20 years, accepted a position in a different area and city (but one that is much more suitable for her skills!), and is joining my sister in her long distance relationship;
-my father underwent / is undergoing a massive merger, where his baby of a private practice is merging to become one of the largest firms, while also joining the rest of my family in long distance relationships;
-yeah. that just about covers it.

needless to say, it has been extremely difficult to be so far away through SO many life changes. i had anticipated missing a thing or two; i had not anticipated missing some of the biggest milestones to date. my sister and i can barely find common time to chat on the phone anymore, with my hectic work schedule and her hectic school schedule. my parents actually started asking me every detail they could think of every time we had the chance to talk, because we're all so busy it's hard to know when the next time might be. and that is an AWFUL feeling.

i also had my favourite bunny, MichiB, come visit for 3 weeks. it was AMAZING! we went trekking in the Himalayas, rented a minibus to Goa with close friends for my birthday, and lay around my flat in Bangalore for the 3 seconds we had in between before she was off. the best part of Michi's visit, besides getting oodles of time with her, was getting some perspective. Michi is one of the best ppl i know at giving impartial advice, and amidst mocking me for giving up a cushy job / career / life at home to struggle from paycheque to paycheque in a developing country (hahahaha), her advice was simple: if you want to be a part of people's lives at home, you have to be at home. sounds pretty obvious, right? except it hasn't been. not even a little bit. i spend so much of my time aching for the people at home, and yet i am finding it exceedingly difficult to maintain the ties i've been building for years now. at some point i crossed that threshold where most ppl barely know even the basics of my life here. i never thought that _i_ of all people would ever be capable of that.

the people and lifechanges at home are not the only contributing factor to the homesickness. India is one of those places that likes to kick us in the ass multiple times a day, just to make sure we're still paying attention. one of my colleagues heard me in an exasperated yelling session on my phone the other day -- it may have been for a gas connection for our flat, it may have been for internet, it may have even been to ask where the couch we ordered 3 months ago might be -- and asked if i needed some help. i needed SO much help that i just started laughing in response, and said that India likes to keep me on my toes. he laughed as well and said that everyone has a hard time here, but India seems to want to make sure i have "the hardest time of all". on the hardest days, i remember his words and laugh... because they just seem so TRUE! because of my accent, because of who knows what else, every.single.thing is a battle here. it can be exhausting! and sometimes i just want to crawl into bed, and wake up in Canada where we order something ... and it comes. when it says it will. and doesn't charge us extra as soon as it hears our accent or sees our white flatmate. and doesn't require us to make empty threats that make us feel like a horrible human being JUST to get the service we're paying for in the first place.

deep breath.

are you wondering why 8 months later, i'm still here instead of getting ready for the Canadian winter? let me share some of those details too. for starters, i absolutely love my flat. that bears repeating: I.LOVE.MY.FLAT. it is gorgeous and spacious and the coziest nook that can be! so cozy, in fact, that it has been a little bit of a hostel when it comes to visitors and sleepovers... which as most of you know, i adore :) it also houses two of the most fun, loving and affectionate flatmates a girl could ask for! the three of us have been having a BLAST in that flat doing absolutely nothing. you might think i'm exaggerating, but i'm really not.... our best times so far have been lying about (mostly on mattresses, since we basically have no furniture) giggling and being silly, or chatting about life. you know you love your living situation when you're making NO attempts to buy more furniture! coming home to such a warm, loving, accepting place is hands down the reason why i love my life in Bangalore now. i know, hard to believe... especially after all my bitching and comparisons to Delhi. let's keep it real; Bangalore will never be Delhi. but it is still special. and it has definitely won me over.

i have also been lucky enough to be working for a truly honourable organization. there have been many, many challenges, and i am still learning how to move projects forward in the Indian context. but the organization itself does amazing work. the things i have seen, the places i have visited, the individuals i have had a chance to interact with -- i'm not sure i can provide an accurate summary. i have never felt more obsessed with sex work or providing health care and other basic goods for the marginalized. on some days it feels too daunting to make a difference, and on others it seems that perhaps positively affecting the lives of even 10 individuals might make it worth it. cheesy i know, but i'm writing this from the field, and after a particularly rough day i need the reminder.

family ranks pretty highly on my list of reasons why i love it here as well. i have had a couple of opportunities to consider relocating within India, and i can say with absolution that i cannot imagine being away from my grandparents at this point. they have fully become a part of my life here; i sometimes even get updates about MY parents from them! like i said, we all seem to be busy bees flying about :)

maybe the reason i'm happiest here is because of the perspective. many of you will have heard me rant and rave about the concept of travelling to "find yourself". it's bullshit, actually. travelling is wonderful for escapism, trying new things, meeting new ppl... but whatever is haunting us is coming right with us, whether we acknowledge that or not. that said, living in India has been offering me perspective i struggle to find at home. i don't know how to explain that, really. as much as the lifestyle here can be a challenge, it also is more honest and less subtle than it may be at home. i was on my way to work the other day, and stuck in a traffic jam. i saw a family sitting in a cobbler stall on the roadside eating their breakfast. the child among them scarfed down his breakfast, and when his mother saw the bowl empty, she emptied her own bowl into his without a second glance. this probably happens all over the world, right?! except in india, it smacks us in the face numerous times a day to make sure we know it. there is something about that honesty that makes it a lot easier for me to prioritize.

on most days, anyway. when i first moved here, within a few months i was spiralling. i had no idea why i was here or what i wanted to accomplish before i left, or even if i wanted to leave. and some days, i still question those things mercilessly. for the most part, however, i have levelled out and found my plateau. i have started to figure out which of my goals are actually just wishes. i have started to understand what i feel committed to, and what i am willing to let go just to make sure i can return home one day. i have started to shed wee bits of my cancer baggage, and instead feel extremely thankful for being healthy and loved, and having healthy, loving people surrounding me both here and afar. it requires staying in the moment to feel thankful for such obvious things, and india is exceptionally good at keeping us in the moment. at home, we end up scheduling even social coffee dates to gab with friends at least a few days in advance. india keeps us in the moment.

and in this moment, i am 51% loving it :)

what kind of multiple horse town is this?

2009-05-18T12:05:00.007-04:00

hey y’all! thanks for the many engaging discussions on my last post; it was an intense one to throw down, so my apologies for that. i promise to continue the ongoing discussions when i find the time your responses deserve :)

i know you're expecting an update about india, but i think we need to lighten the mood a little ‘round here. we have been experiencing quite the comedy of moments in the past few days, many of which have made us laugh hysterically and repeatedly. i'm unsure of how many can be enjoyable to those who weren't here to witness them, but i have definitely noticed that folks at home appreciate the details of life as much as the bigger picture, sooooooo in list form as per usual:

1) we got caught out in the rain today. we got caught in the rain yesterday as well, only yesterday i wasn't wearing my khaki cargo capris. which means that yesterday my capris weren't entirely transparent within 2 minutes of downpour.

2) my accent is getting to be a real bother. it is especially hilarious to hear me make a phone call to a store or a restaurant. i called one place to find out if they were open, which they said they would be until 7pm.... and we arrived to promptly find them closed. mental note that "yes/no" questions are rather unhelpful when no one understands what the hell you're saying. i also had the following exchange --
man: can i have your name, madam?
arches: archana.
man: what? i didn't get you.
arches: archana.
man: can i have the spelling please, madam?
arches: a-r-c-h-a-n-a.
man: but.... that's INDIAN!

3) which brings me to my next observation. no one thinks i'm indian. get past the hangups over the expat situation - despite where i was born (which was india, for the record!) and where i was raised (which makes me Canadian), every ounce of my family is of Indian origin. i don't think there has been even ONE person from another land. at the beginning people in b'lore assumed i was "from the north", or Punjabi. lately that has devolved into confusion and a "really, Konkani?! you don't look Indian!". i feel for the Assamese, i tell ya.

4) i am rather lingually confused presently. my days consist of a healthy mix of english, konkani, hindi and kannada. half the time i am not processing what language i am hearing, which means i regularly confuse which language i (try to) respond in. this has affected my friend Alison the most, who often looks at me patiently to see how long it will take me to realize i just spoke in Konkani, or that she didn't actually understand the exchange with the auto-walla in Hindi.

the funniest outcome of this by FAR, is that alison has been picking up some Konkani. two of the first words she has learned have been "vacha" (let's go) and "nakka" (i don't want, or no thanks). but because of the exasperation i tend to say "nakka" with, it usually ends up being "nakka nakka nakka". one day we were in a coffee shop, and stalking people who seemed ready to leave to see whose table we could take over. we saw a couple who had their bill, but i was getting alison to narrate their actions so that it wasn't TOO obvious that we were eyeing them down. and it looked more and more like the guy at the table really wanted to leave, and the girl at the table was hellbent on dragging it out a little longer. eventually i asked for an update, and alison said "it's the same. the boy is saying 'vacha' and the girl is saying 'nakka nakka nakka'".

--

:) more to come, yo! i have been MIA and i apologize; please bear with me a little longer and i'll be back to my old tricks.

mental disarray.

2009-05-10T06:30:00.008-04:00

if you have chatted with me post-Delhi, you may recall that one of the hardest adaptations of living in India is societal perspectives on racism. i have briefly mentioned religious differences, but they are just one of many many ways to distinguish one Indian subgroup from another. these differences, it seems, have led to widely accepted stereotypes about each group... and while the comments sound flippant to everyone around me, i still feel at a loss for how to respond. if someone at home made a comment about getting a "Jew carwash" because it is raining (and the car is therefore being washed for free), or if someone is trying to save some money and is accused of being "such a Jew", the references to the Jewish stereotype of frugality is an extreme taboo. i do not know many people who would laugh these kinds of comments off, much less hear them without batting an eye. in India, the same stereotype extends to folks in the Gujarati community (and the Marwaris as well)... but when people comment on their "kunjus" or thrifty stereotype, the reactions are nowhere near what one might expect in North America. every group has their stereotypes about every other group, and they're referred to freely and almost never receive a reaction, externally or otherwise.

suffice it to say that it takes some getting used to. i very much feel like the oversensitive, uber-PC Canadian trying desperately to understand (and ignore) the constant stereotyping and comments. as interesting a challenge as that has been, the only thing that still drops my jaw to the ground is hearing the N word used when referring to black populations. it is SO far from acceptable, and perhaps the most offensive racial slur i know.... and yet again, it is used without batting an eye. because it has been so difficult to ignore, i have asked a few people i trust to explain. the usage appears to have raised directly from pop media! India is keen to play artists like Akon and The Game et al., and the frequency of the word in these mainstream songs has infiltrated colloquial language. from what i gather, it is not said with the malicious intent i associate it with, but that certainly does not make it any easier to stomach. especially when, if we're being entirely honest, Indians have never hidden their intolerance for black communities all that well.

that is the part i find so confusing. literally every localite i have discussed this with (and you KNOW that adds up to a big number of conversations!) has assured me that there is no racist basis for the comments, no behavioural change from one group to another based on the stereotypes, and therefore no need for me to get my chuddis in a knot. and yet, as with any other region with so many different communities, there are constant conflicts between groups. yet no one associates this in any way with the stereotypes so deeply engrained and accepted. i still cannot understand how they are compartmentalized as so independent of one another. and i am still struggling to understand the intended meaning of these comments.

the entire topic makes me feel acutely more like a Canadian than an Indian while i'm here. what is interesting about that is in Canada, i feel more like an Indian. there is a Hindi saying about being neither here nor there that describes the situation perfectly. it is something that i have never fully acknowledged before this move, which i find odd given my dedication to all things Konkani within North America. but what is far more fascinating than all of that is that Indians born and raised in India experience a very similar "identity crisis"! different communities have slowly started mixing, different languages and foods are being used outside of their expected areas, and what almost makes me laugh is that English is slowly replacing most other languages within the educated youth. i had a local Konkani youth ask me the other day why i care about preserving "such a useless language"; we were enjoying our beers in English even though we can both converse in Konkani. her point was that English will ultimately be a universal language, and therefore the one that her children should be focused on learning. it has stopped me in my tracks on so many trains of thought -- Konkani youth within India itself are experiencing the same dilution that we are abroad!

but as i've been trying to point out, it is not just us. it is every Indian community. it is also a mere global phenomenon; i suspect French and Chinese cultures are battling with similar dilutions to their culture. isn't that actually a GOOD thing? i spend so much of my time wishing, and working towards, subcommunities setting aside their differences and embracing their similarities. within India itself, i despise the conversations about crystallizing traditions to prevent dilution of the Indian culture (it tends to lead to a lot of political garbage in my opinion, such as the Ram Sena ridiculousness). so why, then, have i been so singularly focused with my aspirations for the Konkani community in North America? if we take a step back and imagine the world X number of years from now as tidbits of "previous cultures" all molded into one large multiethnic, multicultural, and therefore more cohesive, population -- would that not be something to celebrate?

how to start, from where?

2009-04-09T11:17:00.007-04:00

my apologies for the technical difficulties with my blog recently! i haven't been around long enough to tend to them. thoughts on the new template?

"how to start, from where?". a colleague said this sentence to me in response to one of many questions i had about the field, and it has been stuck in my head ever since. i have been in india for five weeks now, and this phrase very accurately describes almost every part of my time in india so far -- how to tackle my to-do lists, how to tackle housing, how to tackle keeping in touch with the people i love.... and how to explain what i've been up to. here is my attempt:

1) in my first three weeks, i met with eight organizations in total. i went to the field with some and had formal interviews with some. it was at times insanely hectic, and at other times insanely stressful in terms of how to prioritize all the orgs. i have had a great deal of difficulty figuring out which options are the "best" ones, since i came to india with a specific career goal in mind. all eight are doing great work, but i finally narrowed it down to three. if you've spoken with me in the last month, you'll know that all 3 have captured my interest for entirely different reasons... and i finally decided that it might be best to aim to work with all 3 before i leave india. i'm going to stay open and flexible; who knows how things might change!

2) i started work last week. it was lightning fast! if you know anything about the indian pace of doing things, i was lucky enough to even have 8 orgs agree to meet / interview me. to then receive a contract and a start date of 2 days later was even more surprising! in the most pleasant way :) the organization i'm currently working for provides prevention, care and support services for HIV/AIDS in the state of Karnataka. it is _exactly_ the area of work i came to india in search of: access to care for infectious disease. i have not yet figured out a succinct way to explain the work i'm doing specifically, so if you're interested in those details holler and i'll try and share!

3) most people start their jobs by reading training manuals and familiarizing themselves with the org (read: swimming through piles of documents prepared for "training purposes"). in a rather unconventional move, i spent my first 4 days on a strategy and teambuilding retreat. it was a strange experience, in that it was essentially a vacation with strangers... but strangers that i would then be working with. rather bizarre! luckily, it ended up being an exceptionally amazing experience. we started by attending a meeting with all the NGO partners of our org, which was taking place in Mysore. we then headed to a Karnatak hillside station -- Coorg. there was hiking and waterfalls and laughter.... and whisky. there were also substantial discussions about how to shape our unit and our work, and i must admit that the gravity of the challenges within this field feels daunting. by the end of the second day, my head was buzzing and perhaps even a mild frustration kicked in at some of the more social, cultural barriers we're facing. nevertheless, the retreat was an exceptional bonding experience. in a team of 8, it can easily be expected that there will be at least one person whose personality doesn't mesh with yours, or whose ideas are harder for you to grasp, or some such minor complication. if all the things leading up to this job haven't been lucky enough, i have also been extremely fortunate to find a GREAT team. all 8 individuals are really quite fabulous people. for those of you who have spent an entire weekend with a bunch of Konks and then experienced the withdrawal (and email threads lamenting the withdrawal) thereafter, you'll understand the level of fun we had in Coorg -- i was in similar withdrawal when i returned! with the email threads to match. and from 4 days with complete strangers. how lucky can one girl get? :)

4) clearly, i love my co-workers. i'm part of 2 units, and i spent most of last week with one, and most of this week with the other. they are truly all amazing, giving, caring humans and it is a great atmosphere to be immersed in. in case it's not abundantly clear, i love my job. not only are the people inspiring, it is an indescribable feeling to be using all of my past experiences for the exact cause i was aiming to use them -- all my schooling, past employment, my interests.... they are all playing their part now, and in a more useful way than i'd realized. the only word i can think of is exhilaration.

that said, the travel is insaaaane. i was in Chikaballapur yesterday, and headed back to the villages again today. i'm off to Hassan again on monday, and then Mysore, and then either a week-long conference or Mangalore. the point is, i travel a LOT. so in addition to my poor keeping-in-touch habits and shoddy internet connection.... i am spending a lot of time travelling / exhausted from travelling :)

f-i-v-e) i am going flathunting this weekend! my grandparents have been kind enough to put up with me for the last month (hahaha, that is a play on words since the phrase "putting up" in India refers to where you're living). the major downsides of this arrangement are that my place of employment could not possibly be farther from where they live, and i am constantly increasing their stress levels by staying here. the upsides are that i'm getting an insane amount of time with my grandparents (who were the primary reason i came here instead of delhi), i'm learning an insane amount about our family through stories they've been telling me from the past, and i'm basically being pampered every second of my day. we'll see how it pans out, but for now i think getting my own flat is a way to minimize the stress i cause and the work i create simply by living here, and yet still be close enough to visit frequently!

the area i'm hoping to live in really makes me smile every time i think of it. it is full of large trees and pretty parks and flats. perhaps best of all, its residents do not feel menacing in the slightest. because i want to live alone, i'm paying more attention to my comfort level in potential areas (specifically with the men) than the flats themselves. B'lore is developed enough to have decent flats in almost any area, but the most important aspect to me is to be in an area that i will feel comfortable being on my own doorstep as a female. i think i have found such an area, that is also roughly equidistant from my workplace and my grandparents, and my fingers are crossed to find a flat within my budget this weekend :)

i have so much more to say, but i can already hear MRK screaming about the length of this post. i will write a more thoughtful post soon. for now, please please please bear with me for taking so long to respond to emails and phone calls and text msgs. i have a long weekend coming up, and i intend to use it to catch up on my sleep and my nearest and dearest. love you to all.... and Happy Easter / Passover!

kanakapura.

2009-03-13T04:59:00.006-04:00

last week, i went to the field with an organization doing work in Kanakapura, about an hour south of Bangalore. the folks at the org conducted a survey in the villages of this area to ask individuals (mostly women) what barriers they feel to accessing healthcare. the resounding response was income -- many of these women have lost their husbands to HIV/AIDS, and since villages carry high rates of illiteracy and it is highly unusual in Indian rural life for a widow to remarry, they have not only lost their husbands but their sole source of income. as a result, many widows (some of whom are my age or even younger than me) turn to prostitution for income, which thereby continues the spread of the disease and can take their lives as well.

the organization has responded with, among other projects, an income generation model. the most impoverished women were identified, as well as the widows, and collected in each of 3 villages to create artisan businesses. the intent is to relay a skill to the widows, provide them with clients and income, in the hopes that the businesses can be sustainable someday. clients place their orders from the central org in B'lore, and its employees deliver the orders as well as the supplies necessary to complete them. the hope is to move to complete independence, from taking orders to keeping stock to tracking down (and purchasing) supplies for each village enterprise.

the first village we visited, Oochally, houses a group of women learning beadwork and embroidery skills. they are currently working on orders for saris, handbags, journals and even quilts. the youngest of the three enterprises, this village project has only been up and running for a year and a half. the number of challenges facing them had honestly never occurred to me before. simple barriers intensely slow down the learning curve -- the women have never been educated, are quite illiterate, and therefore cannot count. this also means that they cannot measure, or keep tally of their stock as they make it. and while simply teaching them to count and measure sounds ideal, it is in practice far more difficult to achieve. there are also issues of extremely limited infrastructure available within the city, electricity issues, holidays, management, and more other challenges than i can relay in one sitting.

the second village, Hosur, houses women working on block printing of saris, shirts, shawls, you name it! although these women have been working for about double the time as those in Oochally (around 3 years), their work thoroughly impressed me. i will certainly be placing an order of my own someday soon! perhaps in part to their extremely shrewd manager (also a native of the area) compared with the managers in the other villages, this group functions like a well oiled machine. it is in fact hard to find enough orders to keep them busy! they just completed a huge order for a wedding, and even completed that successfully. not to mention that the work is truly beautiful... i kicked myself repeatedly for forgetting my camera. it also went a long way to demonstrate that the strength of the women's skills can only be as good as those of the manager :)

the final village, Kodihalli, houses women working on paper products -- notepads, greeting cards and even wedding invitations. as the oldest project in the income generation initiative, these women have perfected their art. they make their paper from scratch (so it's 100% recycled!). they dye them, cut them, bind them, add accents... very impressive. what completely floored me about this group is their internal organization. the other two groups complete tasks as dictated by their manager. this group is so self-sufficient that they have organized themselves without a third party even needing to suggest who should do what. they have itemized every part of their product-making process, and divyed up the tasks according to natural skill. after seeing the challenges facing the newer projects, i cannot stress how intensely impressive this self-management is! the only barrier facing this group currently is acquiring clients... something all those involved are hoping to address in the near future.

it is worth pointing out that while these enterprises were started to create income, and therefore increase potential to afford healthcare and offer an alternative to prostitution.... many of the women are still resorting to either extra-marital affairs or prostitution without payment. shockingly, by receiving income elsewhere, the only perceivable change in sexual action has been removing the need for payment. i suppose there is an awfully intimate / loving / supportive aspect to sexual relations that having an income cannot replace, given that these women cannot remarry. but because such well-intentioned and inspirational projects are in fact doing little to curb the proliferation of AIDS within the villages, it definitely leaves me feeling exasperated. the bulk of these problems are so insanely complex that it might take the entirety of my time here to navigate them. which means i've definitely made the right decision by coming :)

you may have noticed that while this work was intended to address health access problems, it has travelled in a very different path since. as interesting as i found textiles and artisanry to be, it was certainly not what i came here looking for. granted, issues of gender emplowerment and education and other broader issues of interest are hidden within there. but it is fairly obvious that this line of work is a pretty big departure from my previous path, and my intended path here. i would say that an equivalent challenge has appeared in literally every organigzation i was speaking to before i came. there have been SO many factors that i have been rather blindsided by since arriving and learning more about all of these orgs -- as i said to my parents, there seem to be many many options.... but whether any can be described as a GOOD option still remains to be seen. it really depends on how willing i am to stray from access to medicines for infectious disease, how important immediate impact may be, and a variety of other challenges i had no way of predicting while still in Canada.

suffice it to say, the jobhunt has been exhausting! and at times demoralizing... but at other times, inspiring. i think i have my mind sorted out on where i would most like to work, and for now it is full speed ahead on that route! i shall keep y'all posted. in the meantime, tomorrow i'm off to Tumkur for more field time with another org. more stories to come -- have a great weekend, y'all :)

prima facie politics.

2009-03-08T09:49:00.004-04:00

caveat: because this is a highly contentious issue, i want to stress that i do not wish to offend anyone with my post, regardless of religion, nationality or beliefs. i am also not trying to enter a hateful discussion about controversial global issues. i am, however, curious to hear your thoughts on this topic... particularly if you disagree with me! nothing like a respectful discussion to clear up confusion :)

i have been reading a book called In Spite of the Gods by Edward Luce, a non-fictional account of Indian society in its entirety: economy, government, politics, corruption, castism... it really covers the kit and caboodle. it is one of the more unbiased books i've read, and what i am enjoying most about it is Luce offers objective (and sometimes harsh) descriptions and still somehow establishes his affection and respect for the country.

i'm roughly halfway through the book, and what is extremely disturbing are the growing similarities between the Hindu-Muslim history and the current situation in Gaza. it is far more complicated than i'm about to explain, but in a nutshell the current religious feud in India seems to stem from Indian politics:

a political party, the BJP, holds a strong Hindu nationalist stance (read: only Hindus are Indian), and gained popularity in the late 80s and early 90s on this platform. in 1992, BJP members created riots because of a mosque in a city Ayodhya, which they claim was built on a Hindu temple previously destroyed by Muslims in the 1500s. they also claim Ayodhya is the birthplace of Ram, a prominent religious figure of Hinduism. it should be noted at this point that many of the BJP's claims have never received any academic or scholarly support, nor any empirical evidence of any kind.... including the claims about Ayodhya. for reasons i still do not understand, this minor detail goes largely unacknowledged within India society -- even though most have accepted that the BJP rewrote textbooks used in the Indian education to include unsupported claims.

in response to the mosque placement where a temple was allegedly previously burned (500 years ago), the BJP burned down the mosque in 1992. riots ensued, and 3000+ Muslims were killed. a decade later, a train carrying Hindus through the state of Gujarat was burned and many Hindus were killed. in response, the BJP began the now infamous Gujarat riots of 2002, which tortured and killed numerous Muslims. just a little snippet into what i mean by response:

"Mobs gathered around and raped the women, then they poured kerosene down their throats and the throats of their children and threw lighted matches at them. Hundreds stood by and cheered these gruesome incinerations, which symbolised revenge for the burning of the train passengers in Godhra. The male family members were forced to watch their wives and children burn to death before they too were killed."

to date, the two religions are bitterly unresolved over the true rights of Ayodhya. as i mentioned before, the situation is actually far more complex than i'm making it out to be here. but the following parallels have been gnawing at me:
*both sides of the conflict use previous points of history, no matter how dated, to justify virtually any action in the present
*both sides of the conflict wholly demonize the opposing party, and refuse to acknowledge that atrocities have been carried out by BOTH parties
*the punishment rarely seems to fit the crime

while the vague similarities are disturbing enough, what has been bothering me much more is how differently this information has been relayed to me in the past. to my knowledge, my entire immediate and extended family is 100% Hindu; no other religion has yet penetrated it. we are also Brahmin, which i objectively understand creates a higher stake to support the BJP nationalist views (since we directly benefit from them). and yet, the tidbits of information i've gathered from my extended family on the Hindu-Muslim divide have very obviously been a one-sided account. and i don't expect that it's specific to my personal experiences or conversations; many others are probably receiving (and accepting) equally biased explanations for the current crises around the world.

my intent is not to anger BJP-supporters, and i'm definitely not questioning why i feel that i may have been misled in the past. yet as with the situation in Gaza, it seems so blatantly clear that innocent people need to stop being brutalized... regardless of religion or nationality. and i think it may be up to the younger generations to do our due diligence and read as many perspectives as possible before passing judgement on the history of our people.

touchdown!

2009-03-04T04:46:00.005-05:00

hello from b'lore! many thanks for the phonecalls / emails / msgs.... i am slowly working my way through the responses, so you should be sure to hear from me soon! my apologies if i missed you entirely before i left, it was a whirlwind of multitasking at the finish line. you will definitely hear from me while i'm here though... i just need a little more time!

so i have arrived, and though it has only been a day or so, it really feels like i never left. i was preparing myself mentally for the overwhelming experience that landing in delhi was. don't get me wrong, i love love LOVE delhi, and it will always have a very special place in my heart. everything i say about it, i say with utmost love for the city :)

but. the airport chaos, the asshole autowallas who wouldn't take me to my interview, trying to find my way back to an apartment i'd only seen for 10 seconds entirely sleep-deprived.... it was a very intense experience last year. this time was NOTHING like that! the airport is insanely modern, the people (and by people, i mean men) were helpful instead of being creepy and gawking at my body. i also really appreciate that B'lore has road names, and that locals actually know what these names are AND know where they are. delhi was entirely landmark-based, and while there is still a lot of that in B'lore, it still comes with clear neighbourhoods and names. and if that all wasn't enough.... the numbers go in order! imagine that?! i'm being spoiled here. not to mention my cousin Arjun, who really might be the most helpful human being on the planet... and my grandparents! i should have realized that b'lore = spoonfeeding, especially compared to delhi. i also understand for the first time ever why everyone refers to delhi as so unfriendly! i obviously stick out as "from foreign", which is pretty much guaranteeing that i'll get ripped off or worked over in delhi. my ajja and i went out on an excursion yesterday, and ppl were actually FRIENDLY despite my foreign origin! my jaw dropped in shock. to the delhi expats reading this.... y'all NEED to come visit. it's like a little piece of home within india :)

also, i've never returned to india so soon after a trip; the last trip ended a 10-year stretch of no india visits! which is playing a huge part in feeling like i never actually left. i'm back to the same routine i had in b'lore last year, down to the arguments with my Ajja about how long one human being can stare at a Sudoku puzzle (he likes to mock me!) :)

the job front is insanely positive already. i've had two interviews so far, and have three left. i also have two days in the field set up to see the practical side of the work for two orgs... i'm SO nervous! especially since i do not speak a word of the local language here, Kannada. my family feels confident that i can pick it up fairly easily, especially with its similarities to Konkani, but i'm still super nervous about it! but in that super excited, giddy kind of nervous way :)

i have also decided to be vegetarian for the month of March. when i moved to delhi, i thought i would also be vegetarian. you may recall that i lasted about 3 days before i realized it was one of the WORST places to avoid meat.... moghulai meat is maybe the most delicious food i've ever tasted. it was akin to living in a city with an open bar, and swearing off alcohol. the south, however, has wayyyy more options for vegetarians. so i thought i would avoid meat for March no matter what, and if it turns out i'm mentally making a list of food unique to the area that i'm missing out on (like i was in Delhi!), i'll reconsider in April.

what is absolutely hilarious about this little promise of mine, is that my (entirely vegetarian, won't even cook meat) grandmother is unsupportive! i thought at least here, i would get some support, versus my father lovingly taunting me with chicken pakoras 20 minutes after my new year's declaration to be vegetarian in 2007 :) but alas, my grandparents are rather unhappy with my decision, and it makes me laugh heartily every time it comes up. with my taste for silver over gold, my refusal to wear (blood) diamonds and now this.... they really shake their heads at me at least 10 times a day. and it makes me giggle every.single.time :)

OKAY! i must run. the beauty of b'lore when the heat starts to pick up is that the current cuts out all afternoon. it just came back on and i thought i'd quickly pump out an update before we lose it again! so my apologies for a rushed, half-assed and unedited post. love to you all though!

disengaging auto-pilot.

2009-02-24T13:30:00.001-05:00

i used to have the most amazing intuition. i have sensed some awful demons from people i barely knew; i have had dreams that simultaneously mimicked real-life events as they were occurring.... some seemingly incredulous things have happened, that were in fact not incredulous because they were nothing but intuition. and since i was very young, mine has been extremely strong.

somewhere along the lines, that voice started to be drowned out. i suppose it was a combination of lifechanging experiences, none of which i was entirely prepared for, and every time i got knocked down i had a harder time hearing that voice inside me when i got back up. as of late, i haven't really been able to hear it at all. someone recently told me that i seem to weigh pros and cons a lot without assigning any weight to them, and i think it is because i have never really had to. i have always just followed my instinct, listened to that inner voice, and pros and cons were as intuitive as my decisions. i have felt extremely lost without this part of me, a part that i've been highly dependent on until recent years. questions about where to live, what kind of work to pursue, who to date, how to balance my health with my career... they have been overwhelming because i have been unable to access my instincts about any of it.

or so i thought, anyway. it recently struck me that what is missing is not my intuition itself, but a lack of trust in that intuition. little by little, the events of the last few years have been robbing me of my trust in those instincts i previously relied on so heavily. they were too muddled during chemo to give me any real insight or strength. they certainly didn't predict the cheating-on-cancer-girl saga. and so on and so on until one day, i woke up to discover i actually could not make a decision on my own. i was no longer asking for others' opinions to measure my own; i required others' opinions because i could not access mine. bad decisions made me feel more lost than ever, good decisions made me feel more dependent on others for what my next step should be. but good and bad, the decisions were made by listening to the most persuasive opinion that particular day.

it should not surprise anyone, then, that i have found myself fairly deep in a funk. i feel like i have lost control over my life in a very disturbing way. all of these decisions about staying near the people i love in north america, or enjoying (aging) family in india, or prioritizing my friends and family over my career, or achieving what i've set out to in my career for once and for all.... they have been so exhausting and unmanageable because i've still been looking outward. and everyone has an opinion, and as a fortunate bunny with many many MANY loved ones, not all those loved ones agree. so i'm constantly weighing other ppl's opinions on all of these extremely lifeshaping decisions, when i should instead be trying to hear my inner voice again.

i was thinking about all the parts of life in Delhi that made it such an amazing experience, and i remembered reading The Alchemist. i feel like i have been ignoring the signs for so long that they're starting to disappear. and i have been ignoring my own instincts for so long that i no longer know how to listen to them.

that is, until now.

it has been an extremely awful experience getting here, but i've finally rediscovered my intuition. i can hear it, and the more i hear it the louder it gets. that alone is making me feel more like myself than i have in months, and also reassures me that perhaps i can stop myself from spiralling, from behaving in ways i know i am above, and from watching my life unfold without being in the driver's seat.

the beauty of losing trust in ourselves is that we are in full control of building it back. i woke up one day and decided i was going to lose any sanity i had left if i kept questioning my intuition the way i had been. and so, i have made some life changes, all of which i'm proud to recognize align perfectly with my inner voice:

*my relationship ended. it was mutual. painful. necessary. and that is all i wish to share about it.

*i'm moving to Bangalore, India on monday. let me explain:
i have been facing a pretty tough decision between a career change and moving back abroad. i received some honest advice that to qualify for the roles i'd want to be in within North America, i need years of international experience. and any kind of career change was really unimaginable. it has been killing me to try and sort this one out.

in the end, i decided to go hard on moving back to India. most specifically, on moving to Bangalore. my grandparents live there, arjun lives there, it is the central hub of all of my family's travels within india.... as time has gone on, these reasons have become so compelling that other potential options started to pale in comparison.

i have also realized that India is very much a "now or never" plan for me. some loved ones have suggested to me that i can always pursue it later, and now that i've found my inner voice again -- i know that it is truly not going to happen if i don't pursue it again now.

finally, my doctors want what is best for me, but it is still my life and my decision to make. unless India somehow puts cancer back on the table, i am placing myself in the same level of risk as all other international development folks. i might get sick, but it is not going to magically kill me because i have cancer in my past. i'm tired of letting the "what if"s dictate my lifepath. and i will never be happy if i let that negative part of my past erase this positive part of my future.

--

so, there you have it! i visit my cancer docs monday morning for a final checkup, and barring any signs that the cancer has returned (read: highly unlikely), i fly out monday night. over the first two weeks, i have five job interviews lined up in B'lore for my intended line of work -- increasing access to medicines for infectious disease. i'll be back in North America for 2 weeks in august, to check back in with the docs and to attend a community event (KYC) that is important to me. other than that, i don't know yet how long i'll be staying in B'lore, and i don't know when else i'll be back. soooo, if any of you are getting married any time soon and i make your list, feel free to give me plenty of notice :)

i really think that i have needed to rely on others for the last few months. my trust in myself was so low that other people's voices were all i could rely on. and i feel more grateful than ever to have such supportive and loving individuals in my life..... especially if they could stand by me during some of the darker days! that said, it also feels liberating to have rediscovered my own inner voice. i feel like i might actually be capable of feeling happy again. like real happiness, the kind i used to feel so effortlessly - the soy sense of happiness instead of the estoy sense. i miss living my life like that! i'm determined to reorient myself towards it, and i believe the first step down that path is complete -- i finally feel like i can trust my instincts again, certainly enough to make my own decisions. and since you are all important to me, i am hoping you can trust me to make them too.

slumdog millionaire.

2009-01-06T11:19:00.006-05:00

what i'm about to share might shock you. are you ready? are you sure? okay then, here it is: i did not enjoy this movie.

yes, the cinematography was beyond impressive; the soundtrack was AMAZING; the movie gave bollywood actors a well-deserved chance on the hollywood screen; it kept things real instead of the usual "fluff" that has come to be expected of a movie out of india. and Freida Pinto as Latika is one of the most beautiful, heartstrings-tugging actresses to have graced the screens. and yet, the honest truth is that i spent most of the movie fighting the urge to just turn it off.

"expat" is a term that very quickly becomes a regular part of one's vernacular after a bit of time in india. it refers to anyone who is residing outside of their home country... which in my time in India, included Americans, Brits, French, Dutch, Danes and yes, Canadians. but it also includes Indian-born nationals of other countries, including myself.

as an Indian-born expat in India (say that 5 times fast), one of the most challenging parts about being in India is processing the tensions between "local" (ie Indian-born, Indian-raised) tendencies with "expat" tendencies. and by far the most blatant example is reactions to the begging industry.

and it is exactly that, an industry; a point only too well-emphasized within Slumdog. as a child, i was taught by family members never to make eye contact with beggars, especially with children. you don't need to know me well to pick up on my emotion, and my family wanted to protect me from being hounded by beggars who would immediately exploit my empathy and feelings of helplessness. even as an 8-year old visiting india, this reaction was drilled into me.

if i can be so bold as to overgeneralize, it is the way most locals react to beggars even now. it is not too different from the way North American populations approach panhandlers on our own streets -- while a select few might share some change, most treat our homeless as though they are invisible. and while beggars in India are certainly dealing with a level of poverty unseen by populations abroad, the reaction of the local population is quite similar -- few respond monetarily, but most walk by without a second glance.

enter expats. the most striking change i felt in myself was witnessing my expat friends break through this mold. instead of ignoring the children hounding us outside movie theatres, restaurants, rikshaw stands and pretty much anywhere we went, my expat friends played with the children. they asked them questions with what Hindi they had picked up, shared whatever food they had on them. one of the first things a traveller of India can testify to, is exactly how difficult it is to share a treat with an entire group of hungry children. sharing is not exactly in these children's way of life; it is much more of a snatch-and-run mentality. if i can generalize once more, locals tend to view this as a reason not to share treats at all. instead, my expat friends used their patience and a lot of non-verbal communication to insist on a little bit of treat for everyone.

i need to stop and emphasize that to a large degree, this is a coping mechanism that many communities around the world use. indian locals are surrounded by such immense levels of poverty, such blatant realities of exploitation, coercion, manipulation... that it is almost necessary to find coping mechanisms to endure it. spending a few days, weeks, months surrounded by these harsh norms makes it a lot easier to question them and challenge them; when the reality is yours for your entire lifetime, coping mechanisms quickly become much more of a requisite.

that said, i felt the change in my own behaviour over the few months i spent in India. i felt ashamed of how i had initially reacted -- as a local, recognizing the industry behind the sham, and refusing to accept that perhaps, sham and all, these were still hungry children. and so i, too, started carrying extra Parle G cookies for the sole purpose of sharing with orphans. i stopped thinking twice about giving away a soda or Limca to a 5-yr old wearing only a shirt.

on one of our travelling expeditions, 3 of us were in Mathura, Krishna's birthplace. we were meant to explore the temple and revel in its greatness. i had recently felt templed out after a few weeks in Gaon (our indian villages in the south), and my expat friends were rather well versed in the ways of Hindu temples by this point. so instead, we hung out on the main strip of Mathura where we were immediately surrounded by children beggars. this group stuck out as a particularly well-educated group. one boy was quite offended by our question of why he was not in school (a rather regular question to children approaching us for money), who insisted he attends school all day and sells magazines about Krishna only after attending tuitions. their english was impressive, and perhaps even more impressive was their attempt to CHARM us into buying their products! that 8 yr old boy was batting his long eyelashes and throwing us a smile (dare i say he was flirting?!) like no other.

but that is not all i remember when i think about those children. i also remember the one holding what we initially thought was a doll... and eventually realized was a baby. a dead baby.

clearly, discussion ensued. we don't know if the baby died from malnutrition or other impoverished causes... or if, as the movie so repeatedly highlights, the dead baby was being used as a prop in the begging industry. either way, it was dead. and it still sends shivers down my spine remembering it.

there is so much to be said about movies that tell it like it is. Hotel Rwanda, City of God, Born into Brothels -- these movies are so important for raising grassroots awareness about truly horrible aspects of human nature. after seeing each of those, i've had a similar feeling of frustration... it can start to feel like preaching to the choir. i may be wrong, but i suspect that many of the folks currently raving about Slumdog Millionaire are already AWARE of the realities of begging orphans in India. and while i am generally a champion of community awareness and the grassroots change it may create -- how many people who were so enthused by Slumdog have now felt compelled to try and change the world? it is so cynical to say, but it strikes me as more likely that they enjoyed a good flick, and returned to forgetting about the issues almost too quickly.

of course, these are extremely complicated issues, and no single viewer of a movie as honest as Slumdog can change the world. but bearing witness to the movie, not as a beautifully orchestrated movie, but as an extremely harsh reality, makes it incredibly difficult to have actually enjoyed those 2 hours.

those of you who are Indian-born have probably heard a somewhat typical Indian mentality of resisting movies like this. Deepa Mehta's movies -- Earth, Water, Fire -- while exceptionally well done, are equally difficult to stomach. the common reaction is, "we already lived through it, why do we want to relive it?". my family members are consistent in this viewpoint; many of them refused to read my chemo blog as it was too painful to relive for a second time.

once again, i find myself struggling with the local-expat dynamic. the expat in me is thrilled that a movie has given such a realistic portrayal of an industry with such gross human rights violation. the expat in me thinks that more movies like this should be made, for even if 5 individuals feel more educated, more aware, and start to think about how they might use their lifetime to add a droplet of positive change -- then it will have been worth it. but the local in me is wishing i had never seen Slumdog. the local in me finds it unbearable to acknowledge the reality of the situation, finds it crippling to let myself linger too long on how horrible some conditions are when the issues are so dauntingly complex. and the expat-local hybrid - that results only of having been born in India, raised in North America but with Indo-North American values, and having returned to India to live once again - truly did not enjoy the emotions that were stirred by watching Slumdog Millionaire.

so there you have it: my honest opinion on what is likely to be the only negative review for a potential Oscar-winning nomination. just a little food for thought.

2009: fresh with no mistakes in it.

2008-12-31T01:58:00.005-05:00

i've had so much on my mind to try and put down my thoughts about.... but none of it has been particularly uplifting. not that blog posts need to be super chipper -- but i'd rather they're not always super glum either.

i'd also rather i don't ring in the new year on such a low note with blogman! this is the post where most ppl run down the year.... the lessons they've learned, the people who've helped shape them, best and worst memories of the annum. i'd rather skip the exercise this year. i've been harbouring a sinking feeling that i'm in the exact.same.place as i was this time last year. usually all kinds of progress is self-evident. but this year, if nothing else, i'd say i am more lost. BUT that is the reoccuring theme isn't it! the more we experience and the more we know, the more we realize about how little we really know.

here is to filling the next year living our dreams instead of chasing them. here is to finding even more ways to share our love with the bunnies in our lives. and here is to really, really, really good food.

here is to 2009! happy new year's to you all :)

the confusion sets in.

2008-12-10T03:57:00.010-05:00

there was a death in the family today. he lived in india, and i grew particularly close to him during my stay. the death was sudden, and a combination of poor health and poor healthcare. when i first heard how serious the situation was, no one could fully explain anything. and i literally mean anything -- the reasons for his sudden demise, an explanation for the bleak prognosis (<1% of brain function), potential for recovery....

it is so odd; any bioethical question that has been posed to me to date, has been based on the assumption of information. deciding whether or not to take someone off life support is based on a summative picture of information, and despite all my training, reading, "professional experience", i have never come across a situation lacking such vital information. and as shocking as the death was, it was perhaps more shocking because some of us invested a lot of energy in ensuring he would survive. he even opened his eyes! there was talk of coming off the ventilator within a week!

and then i hear about 72 hours straight of no dialysis, for a critical patient in ICU with renal failure.... who clearly required constant dialysis. and when the details, however few and far between, are finally flushed out, it is extremely difficult to feel anything but angry. if he had received the care he needed, the care any human deserves, this would not have happened.

i have been bouncing between shock, blind anger and heartbreaking sadness. but for the most part, i am on Dead Inside. so much for moving past that "emotion" :)

the power of distraction is a fantastic coping mechanism, and it was my best friend today. my other weapon of choice -- intense overanalysis -- has also come out full force. there was a family emergency recently; nothing to be concerned about! everything turned out a-okay. but it reminded me of that overused cliche about living each day as though it were our last, blah blah blah. amidst all of my career aspirations to be abroad, it had never crossed my mind that if today were my last, i would want to be RIGHT HERE. surrounded by my loved ones, my immediate family, my nearest and dearest. and no career aspirations are worth that kind of sacrifice. and yes, the family emergency turned out to have a happy ending... but what if it hadn't? it would have changed my world drastically. how does one embrace that possibility in her life plans without living in fear of it? such a fine line. but it was the first time that i had even considered that i might actually want to be here NOW. not a few years from now, not after i complete X, Y and Z.... but now.

and yet, the death today is a clear indicator that my time in india was well spent, and as heartbreaking as it is to admit, was also well timed -- had i gone even 6 months later, i wouldn't have gotten the quality time with him that i was so lucky to get. so my immediate family, many loved ones and my entire All-Star team are here in North America.... and nearly my entire extended family is abroad. and time spent cultivating my relationships here is time not spent cultivating my relationships abroad.

i have never seen this situation so cloudily before. it was always pretty clear: move abroad. when the cancer hit, it became even more clear: no, seriously... enough of the schooling, just move abroad. and now, for the first time, my head and heart are both in a constant state of confusion, BOTH giving me diametrically opposing advice. add to that the protection of my own health, an economic recession that makes jobhunting feel like pulling teeth without anesthesia, and i am utterly confused.

last summer, i was so incapable of planning for the future that i was hellbent on enjoying the present. and oh boy, did i! so much so that i was ignoring all potential consequences at any given moment. it was the birth of the Dark Secrets to My Soul era, and a rather self-destructive way to live life; i was in a place that i hope i never find myself in again. and now, in an effort to swing the pendulum a little closer to normalcy, i have found myself consumed by the details of every.single.decision -- is this what i really want? no, is it what i REALLY want? okay, but seriously, do i want it? and that train of thought lends itself to a different kind of self-destruction, one that is so critical of priorities that it, too, is rooted in fear of the future.

it is almost ironic, actually. i have been so obsessed with choosing my path in a way that i will enjoy each step of life, that while ensuring i do so, i am not sure how much i'm enjoying life!

chin up, keep muddling through.

2008-12-03T18:40:00.014-05:00

lately, i have been asking myself why i ever started blogging to begin with. in truth there were three reasons:
*update numerous people at the same time about my health / whereabouts
*release thoughts and feelings i was having difficulty processing
*prevent myself from entirely shutting the world out during some fairly dark times

in the three years since, my thoughts about blogging have gone through a myriad of changes. sharing thoughts in a public space comes with its challenges, especially if an author is writing to maintain perspective on her life (versus providing movie critiques or political views, which can sometimes be less personal).

i wish to keep my blog public, because i like the check and balance of having to assume that literally anyone is reading my thoughts. to me, private blogs merely create an air of privacy. maybe i just have deeply rooted trust issues, but there is still no guarantee that the only people hearing my thoughts are those invited as readers. so, as someone who has constantly been an oversharer, i would much rather stay real about it and try to draw some boundaries... which, for me, means staying public. i also think it is much more challenging to share difficult thoughts or experiences -- and thereby force ourselves to face them -- than to bury them deep inside. i had promised myself years ago to stay honest and direct about what is on my mind, and making my blog private would be a step in the wrong direction.

what i have been struggling with most about my blog, is the inevitable misinterpretations or assumptions that come along with reading personal entries in a public space. i am not sure if it always existed, has become heightened over the last few years, or if i am simply noticing it for the first time... but miscommunication has become quite a sensitive issue for me. like in all venues for communication, people hear what they want to hear. they see what they want to see. and they read what they want to read. the difficulty with blogs is how little control the blogger has over who can potentially misinterpret posts. if i engage an Auntie at a community function in a discussion, and later discover that 1 of 100 points was taken (incorrectly) to be my underlying premise, that will be incredibly frustrating for me. and yet at the very least, i can know from the onset of a discussion that my audience may completely miscontrue my words. the difficulty with blogging is that literally anyone can make similarly (incorrect) assumptions about my thoughts, frustrations and life. as someone who is rather direct, and sometimes confrontational to a fault, i struggle a great deal with this aspect of blogging.

it started to wear on me so much that i disabled my blog entirely. for months, i had no desire at all to re-post. and once i started feeling the urge again, the thought of individuals misinterpreting my words, especially if as a result of unwarranted judgment on my thoughts or actions, was enough to keep me at bay.

what is bringing me back is, funnily enough, the same three reasons that i ever began blogging. my health is much less precarious these days, but still comes up often enough to warrant updates to all of my loved ones (who are spread out globally!). my whereabouts change on a constant basis, and i have missed my blog's role in letting people know where i am and how i'm doing while i'm there. i am definitely having trouble processing some thoughts and emotions, and my blog has been so good to me in the past on difficult insomnia-filled nights. the lack of sleep is starting to get to me once again, and my BlogMan helps like no other to sort through my ridiculously overworked mind. and although the dark times haven't been entirely cancer-related, they seem to have returned. i have spent a few months feeling unhappier and unhappier, and i have definitely started to shut people out again. knowing that my thoughts are posted up publicly somewhere made it easier to talk to my loved ones during chemo, and i'm hoping it will have the same effect now as well.

soooo, onwards and upwards! a quick update on the numerous happenings of the last few months:

i returned from india. it was exhausting and yet amazing to see so many people i had been missing so much. i still miss india daily, but remembering how good it felt to spend time with my loved ones keeps me from dropping everything and hightailing it back :)

i came home with low levels of malaria. i was asked to stay in north america and let my body recover. it was also gently suggested that i keep my homebase here and do shorter work abroad. this is the first time in my life i have had to (maybe) accept that i cannot do exactly what i want to do, and the mental adjustment has been slow and painful. i sulked about the suggestion for a solid 2 months, and slowly started looking for jobs here -- in exact tandem with the global economy imploding. great time to be jobhunting, right? i assure you, it is disastrous.

i have been travelling within north america an exorbitant amount. i've been to nyc, boston, texas, the bay, and many other places... it has all been worth it! although my hurting bank account might disagree.

my sister had an all-star birthday weekend, which ranks among the top weekends of 2008. it was filled with our favourite people, which is feeling more and more precious as we all keep moving farther away from each other. i have known these fools since we were 8 years old, and this year was probably the LEAST we have ever seen each other. and yet, our playtime just keeps getting better and better! this weekend can still make me smile daily -- hooray for us :)

i attended one of my closest friend's weddings. it was one of the most sincere events i have attended, and i spent most of the weekend resisting from hugging the bride and groom every time they walked into a room. i am so thankful that i was in north america and could be a part of such a memorable occasion for people i care so much about.

2 of my closest friends are also marrying each other soon, and i am very excited for the occasion. it might be one of the only times where i am actually friends with both parties, and i'm looking forward to being there! again, so happy i am around for the celebration (even if it's not in hawaii anymore, coughcough) :)

i am really, really excited about the holidays this year. moreso than i've ever been. i know it's blasphemous to say, but i've missed the snow and the cold. we have so many activities and pasttimes at our disposal that other people only ever read about -- how crazy is that?! i am exciting for some sledding and skating, and i am hoping to try some things out that i haven't tried since i was a child. i love hearing the christmas tunes on the radio, and feeling the tingles of warming up after being ridiculously cold. i love looking at twinkling lights all over a city blanketed with snow (it just doesn't look the same without the snow!). i had the chance to make some christmas ornaments with my sister (which turned out fantastically!), and i'm excited to cross more christmas ideas off my to-do list. and i do believe we have started a new tradition this year of eating s'mores during the holidays, since i am now craving them on a daily basis :)

i have spent a solid amount of time feeling like i'm sinking. drowning might be a better word. between re-evaluating my career path, a jobhunt in a global recession, 2 close family members with recently compromised health, and discovering some incredibly deeply rooted anxieties about relationships i had never previously known about... it has been less than pleasant. the silver lining, i have realized, is that my meter has moved off of Dead Inside. while absorbing (and emitting) negative energy is far from how i would like to live my life, it means i am one step closer to absorbing (and emitting) POSITIVE energy! which the Dead Inside setting does not leave room for. it makes me feel excited to feel happy again. not in that, smiling on the outside while feeling torn up inside, way. more in a, smiling from the warm fuzzies radiating from deep inside all the way out, way. i can already tell that blogging is going to be an important step!

happy December, folks. it was going to be my new year's resolution to resurface in the blogosphere... but i thought i would get a headstart. what exactly is so magical about "january 1st" anyway?! December 3rd seemed like as good a time as any :)

here's to keeping stiff upper lips!